Anyone can find themselves stuck in the white-knuckled grip of toxic relationships. It’s a common refrain…”relationships are hard work and rough patches are part of the course”. There’s no school of relationships, neither a course on how to be a perfect partner. We are all human after all. No one is perfect, nothing is Perfect. But when the imperfectness spirals out of control, we need to stop and check ourselves. Be on the look out for these under the radar signs and find a way to deal or GTFO…!
Here are a few signs of toxic partners…
The scorecard keeper. Keeping score is totally self-centered. You’re always thinking about how they’ve wronged you and not the other way round. There’s a big chance that the scorecard keeper has higher score (on the off-chance they’ve kept one for themselves), if anyone was counting.
” I did the dishes on the December of 1987″…and so on. It’s particularly easy to remember all the things you’ve done good and even easier to forget the bad ones. It’s always a battle to see who has screwed up the most in the last 5 months and therefore who is the most indebted to the other.
The deflector. Oh hail the Kings and Queens of overre-acting. They deflect your feelings when you tell them you’re hurt, angry or upset at something they did. Someone forgot about your date and arrived 3 hours late and you try to express your iriitation and somehow your toxic ‘personal person’ will find a way to make this your fault!
The paranoid controller. This is bad news! Earlier on you appreciated the jealousy and thought it charming. They’re highly moralistic and judgemental, always distrustful and suspicious without need. They get pissed off when the partner talks, touches or calls another person. Sneezing in the general vicinity of another human being is unfaithful. Looking through their phone while they are in the shower and hacking their emails and social media is normal to a paranoid controller.
The user. The masters and mistresses of courtesy and very small favors in the beginning. This person has no problem calling in a favor, deserved or undeserved whenever they are in a bind. They’ll always expect everyone to bendover backwards for them everytime. And don’t forget the fact that they always seem to forget their wallet!
The narcissist. ‘Hey, enough about me, how do you feel about me?’They feel entitled to admiration and superiority. They’re are the type to hog a conversation and talk about themselves hours on end. They lack empathy for anyone else and don’t seem to notice anyone around them, even those unfortunate enough to date them.
The guilt-inducer. They will always encourage you to feel guilty about something you did and they didn’t like. And once you ‘ correct’ whatever it it was, they also control you by temporarily ‘removing the guilt. As it is, guilt trippers know that it is pretty effective to get people to do your bidding. Anyway, always remind yourself that you’re not responsible for another person’s feelings, emotions or actions.
The ever bad-tempered. They have a quick trigger to their temperament and always quick to get angry. They’ll get annoyed easily and unpredictably. Everything is always your fault, even the screaming and yelling. This person will have you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. They tend to disown the responsibility for their dysfunctional behavior.
The liar. Little white lies aren’t always a bad thing, especially when they’re told to protect someone you care about. Toxic liars know how to play with your mind, manipulate your emotions with their reasons and theories. They are conditioned to lie on impulse about anything or everything. And, they have no remorse when it comes to saving their face even when caught red-handed. They are always in denial.
The overdependent. They want you to make all the decisions and do all the work. They are insecure, weak and do not feel worthy of appreciation, respect or love as a valuable person. They crave intimacy but are too vulnerable to express their needs. They work to please at your expense.
The violent one. Being controlled and hurt is always traumatizing and may lead to confusion, doubts and self blame. The toxic partners will make a point of making it your fault they abused you.
Love should never cost you your peace. It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness. Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run a bit much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. So can commitment. Staying in a relationship should never have you losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that.
I do not intend to judge anyone or impose my views on anyone.
Polite disclaimer…it is only my opinion. I am not a relationship expert!!
Hindsight 20/20, as they say.